Then it hit like a wave

My aunt had 4 aneurysms...

Now after a surgery she had about a month ago she has no current memory of present day... she think it's 30 years ago and that she lives somewhere else.... she doesn't know who her family is and has completely changed....I was handling it fairly well.... up until just now...

I was sitting here thinking about the last time I saw her. The night before her surgery... I went to see her, she was doing good. She was nervous and trying to distract herself from what was going to happen the next day. The next afternoon she was under for 4 hours having two of her 4 aneurysms removed... then she was gone....

She has had no real memory to speak of since then.... It's just now starting to bug me... I may really talk to my aunt again.... I miss her.

When I was.....

One day when I was in the 1st grade we were having a vocabulary lesson focusing on U words.
Everybody was thinking hard and coming up with words for the teacher to write on the board, and I remember that I raised my hand and offered the word "URN". All my classmates looked at me like I was stupid. "Thats an E word"..."Don't you mean EARN, like how you EARN money??"

I remember just kind of sitting there staring and saying, no... I mean Urn with a U......

The teacher had one of those looks on her face, like she thought for a moment that she had dodged the bullet of having to explain what URN meant, but saw that I wasn't backing down .. She gave a sigh.. Then quickly told the class that I was right, and that sometimes when people die they chose to be put away in an URN instead of being buried. .... Way to REALLY explain Mrs. Mann... way to go.

I guess my point of this story, is that this event in my life proved to be the first of many times that something I had said or done was misunderstood in the way that lead me to believe that everyone around me is just plain dumb.... and i mean that in the nicest way possible I think.
My whole life it seems that I can say or do something and it gets every ones panties in a bunch without me even knowing it. and once I finally find out that what I said was taken the wrong way , it's too late to explain myself and I'm just viewed as mean or aggressive...

I'm trying to think before I speak as of late... trying, really REALLY trying... but... in that process I feel like I'm loosing part of me... I'm sarcastic... DEAL WITH IT...I'm pushy and outspoken sometimes... DEAL WITH IT...
I'm just tired right now with feeling this way.... I'm done thinking that I'm always wrong... it can't always be that way... can it?????

Holy depression Batman!!!

SOoooooo.... The last 3 months??? Wow....

Let me clarify.... I've been a bitch..... plain and simple... I haven't been very nice.. mostly to myself, but also to others... .I've been neglectful and passive and that isn't nice.. Urk ... sorry.

There have been a lot of change in my life, just in the past 3 weeks or so and it's been CAHHRAZZYYY!
I've had an awkward conversation with a friend that has resulted in us not talking now, and at this point I'm not sure if it's for the better or not... but I know that for right now I don't feel worried or anxious all the time that I've done something to upset her or make her not like me and it's just a RELIEF to not have that constantly hanging over my head... I know I'd like to talk to her again at some point.. but.. I just have to wait till we are both ready.

My aunt is hospitalized now due to 4 brain aneurysms.. it's messy.... not looking good... she's been there 2 weeks now... not really healing well after 3 surgeries.... it's scary and sad and makes me feel mad too...I've never had to deal with brain issues with a family member before and all I can say is that is sucks....

Lots of minor changes around the house and such... Justin started working part time to focus more on Sky Blue Iris which is his photography business.... it isn't going too well in the sense that the cut in pay he has taken to do so has hurt us... A LOT.... Sure his business will be booming and making us lots of money in the summer when all the weddings will happen and actually make us money.. but till then... eh.. I'm trying not dwell on the negative and just focus on being happy.... seeee.. This is me being happy???? thats not ACTUALLY me....

Anyway, I'm honestly working hard to stay happy and not let my depression get the best of me. It's hard and it's a daily struggle with my thoughts and emotions, but with how much happier I've been , even in spite of whats been going on around me... I see that it's worth it.
Thanks and goodnight!