Then it hit like a wave

My aunt had 4 aneurysms...

Now after a surgery she had about a month ago she has no current memory of present day... she think it's 30 years ago and that she lives somewhere else.... she doesn't know who her family is and has completely changed....I was handling it fairly well.... up until just now...

I was sitting here thinking about the last time I saw her. The night before her surgery... I went to see her, she was doing good. She was nervous and trying to distract herself from what was going to happen the next day. The next afternoon she was under for 4 hours having two of her 4 aneurysms removed... then she was gone....

She has had no real memory to speak of since then.... It's just now starting to bug me... I may really talk to my aunt again.... I miss her.

When I was.....

One day when I was in the 1st grade we were having a vocabulary lesson focusing on U words.
Everybody was thinking hard and coming up with words for the teacher to write on the board, and I remember that I raised my hand and offered the word "URN". All my classmates looked at me like I was stupid. "Thats an E word"..."Don't you mean EARN, like how you EARN money??"

I remember just kind of sitting there staring and saying, no... I mean Urn with a U......

The teacher had one of those looks on her face, like she thought for a moment that she had dodged the bullet of having to explain what URN meant, but saw that I wasn't backing down .. She gave a sigh.. Then quickly told the class that I was right, and that sometimes when people die they chose to be put away in an URN instead of being buried. .... Way to REALLY explain Mrs. Mann... way to go.

I guess my point of this story, is that this event in my life proved to be the first of many times that something I had said or done was misunderstood in the way that lead me to believe that everyone around me is just plain dumb.... and i mean that in the nicest way possible I think.
My whole life it seems that I can say or do something and it gets every ones panties in a bunch without me even knowing it. and once I finally find out that what I said was taken the wrong way , it's too late to explain myself and I'm just viewed as mean or aggressive...

I'm trying to think before I speak as of late... trying, really REALLY trying... but... in that process I feel like I'm loosing part of me... I'm sarcastic... DEAL WITH IT...I'm pushy and outspoken sometimes... DEAL WITH IT...
I'm just tired right now with feeling this way.... I'm done thinking that I'm always wrong... it can't always be that way... can it?????

Holy depression Batman!!!

SOoooooo.... The last 3 months??? Wow....

Let me clarify.... I've been a bitch..... plain and simple... I haven't been very nice.. mostly to myself, but also to others... .I've been neglectful and passive and that isn't nice.. Urk ... sorry.

There have been a lot of change in my life, just in the past 3 weeks or so and it's been CAHHRAZZYYY!
I've had an awkward conversation with a friend that has resulted in us not talking now, and at this point I'm not sure if it's for the better or not... but I know that for right now I don't feel worried or anxious all the time that I've done something to upset her or make her not like me and it's just a RELIEF to not have that constantly hanging over my head... I know I'd like to talk to her again at some point.. but.. I just have to wait till we are both ready.

My aunt is hospitalized now due to 4 brain aneurysms.. it's messy.... not looking good... she's been there 2 weeks now... not really healing well after 3 surgeries.... it's scary and sad and makes me feel mad too...I've never had to deal with brain issues with a family member before and all I can say is that is sucks....

Lots of minor changes around the house and such... Justin started working part time to focus more on Sky Blue Iris which is his photography business.... it isn't going too well in the sense that the cut in pay he has taken to do so has hurt us... A LOT.... Sure his business will be booming and making us lots of money in the summer when all the weddings will happen and actually make us money.. but till then... eh.. I'm trying not dwell on the negative and just focus on being happy.... seeee.. This is me being happy???? thats not ACTUALLY me....

Anyway, I'm honestly working hard to stay happy and not let my depression get the best of me. It's hard and it's a daily struggle with my thoughts and emotions, but with how much happier I've been , even in spite of whats been going on around me... I see that it's worth it.
Thanks and goodnight!

I have the guilt

I have blog guilt.... I want to blog, but never have time. SO apparently that warren's me feeling bads over not writing on something that people never read... huh... I'm dumb...

I want to be able to write more about my life later.. and I think a lot of my stress and such will pretty much be gone by the end of the month so I'll have more time for the things I want to focus on... we'll see.

And a (happy?) new year!

Well it's New Years Eve 2009... woohoo???

This has turned out to be a year of many changes. I've learned a lot about the person I am and what I can survive and get over. I've taken care of a lot of matters that were bugging me this year and I'm almost done with it all and hopefully I'll be less stressed in 2010.

2009 was really eye opening as far as who my friends are. Turns out nobody really. Sure I have acquaintances, but as far as people who I thought I was close to, they pretty much faded out this year and I am now left with a contact list of people who don't return my calls/texts or seem to care about little things... such as what I might being doing on New Years Eve... but I digress.
This could easily turn into a sob fest of "woe is me" I have no friends...pity me please.... I'm gonna try to refrain from that. All I'll say is that having kids and and trying to be friends with people WITHOUT kids DO NOT mix.. at least for me. Thank goodness I know one person with a kid that lives fairly close.

Anyway, my husband is out tonight taking photos of some fancy party downtown so alas I am home alone with the kids again and sitting here , instead of living it up with the ol' acquaintances that I've now forgot. It's not all bad... At least Green Day is playing on T.V. (vomit) Oh yeah... I don't like Green Day....
time for bed.....Goodnight 2009 and go fuck yourself.

Whats coming???

Thank GOODNESS Christmas has come and gone.

I felt as if everyday were some race and that I had to compete to just get through it alive. We didn't even have all that much planned as far as get togethers go, but it still felt like we were being pulled in every direction. Oh well it's done now and I can breathe again.

For my step sister and step mom I made them each a quilted log cabin pillow. I ended up being so proud of them. I can't wait to make more quilted projects. I hope at some point I'll be good enough that I can start my own etsy store. We'll see.... I know that people do it, but I still can't wrap my head around the possibility that people can make money off a hobby/ something they love... So like I said.. we'll see.
New years is almost here... Justin is shooting some fancy party though so I may be hanging out by myself that night... oh well... more time to work on my quilts... if they kids allow me that is.
Someday!

Over the river

And through the state, my mom rides in the car.

I was saying in my post on Sophies blog today that my mom and step dad are on their way to see us today. Which means they are trekking highway 84 today through the pass to get here to have an early x-mas with us.

Now I'm feeling anxious and nervous about having guests again. I'm excited to see them, but when I know things are gonna happen, but don't have a time table or something I can control I get anxiety over the situation.... Once they get here I'll feel better.

I'm hoping to make some marshmallows are other goodies this weekend. Once I figure out which recipes I'm gonna use I'll post links and photos of the outcomes... I'm excited to all the baking and merriment.....I should probably figure out what I'm gonna feed my family tonight.. gah